24 Nov I’m Breaking
These past two months have been exceptionally hard for me. You would have noticed my absence on social media in that my usual videos and selfies came to a screeching halt. I just could not do it anymore. I hit an all-time low, all of this while keeping up a front in an attempt to be busy and ensure my business remained sustainable. Amongst all the crap that unfolded this year, an event shook my family to the core. Our cousin, Tania or Tawny as we called her, passed away suddenly. I’ll never get over that, none of us will.
One day, after a few significant “events”, I knew the shit was about to hit the fan. I was feeling out of sorts, I was feeling physically unwell. The big ‘aha moment’ for me was sitting to write in my journal and NOTHING came to me. My stuck-ness and the blank page staring back at me, all felt too much. The more I stared at the blank page, the more the tears just started welling up. And then the flood gates opened, I sobbed uncontrollably.
I called my psychologist, a wonderful man by the name of Shaun Helders. He is my lifeline. My words to him were, “I need to see you very soon. My shit is all over the place and I need to get my shit together”. At least, it was something like that. Eventually, I was in his office and he probed with some questions which really got me thinking. At a point in the conversation, I heard myself saying, “I’m breaking”. I knew the moment was significant. We spoke some more, and what I love about my sessions with Shaun, is that the insights from our conversation are like gifts that keep giving. They mean something during the session but as I navigate my week thereafter, the conversation continues to play in my mind and with that, the insights are deeper and more revealing.
That day I left his office feeling like I had a skip back in my step. I’ve been ok for a few days, then dipped back into the lulls of depression and then touched the light again, where everything felt normal and do-able. I don’t know what next year has in store and my depleted mind doesn’t want to think about it as the panic and overwhelm set in. What I do know is that focusing on the little things and taking a minute-by-minute approach especially when I’m feeling like life is just too much, helps me tremendously. If you know me, you know how counter-intuitive this is for me. I’m a ‘get on with my shit’ kinda girl. But right now, with the circus of this year, planning as I go and going as I plan seems to bring me sanity. No pressure, not even faith in the future but just an okayness with the now, with my emptiness, with my vulnerability, with my broken pieces, and my tiredness. It’s all ok.
The one habit I have started focusing on is exercise. It seems that waking up, brushing my teeth and doing a short workout is proving to be fucking amazing for me too. Who knew? I’m in my second week so I hope I’m not jinxing myself but it’s helping.
Today, look in the mirror and love the person starring back at you. The person who is tired and depleted. The broken person. Love yourself in that state. And know that it’s ok to not to be ok (thanks Shelagh). Give yourself that permission right now.
Until next time.